struggling --> better

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     I have truly no idea how to decide what is worth writing down, what's worth posting and what simply is not. For real though what do i talk about? Can i just spill about my day? about my sex life? about my past?  i'm no writer and i know the things i write will never be read no one knows this blog exists and it doesn't make me feel alone or incapable. However, there is the even scarier possibility that someone will one day read my little blog and comment "she cant even use proper grammar lol", now that is my nightmare.  i am definitely not quite comfortable writing down the things i think or the things i want to write. so this will be that first post. i guess it's just like making friends the only way to get further acquainted and spill your darkest secrets is by starting with the surface level stuff.  

    Maybe i should first identify what i want to happen with this blog. I want someone who is as unique and alone as i am, whos been craving and wanting to be understood and seen as much as i do, to find this blog. i want that person to read every entry, obsess over it, know absolutely every little thing about me without ever even meeting me. to know me the way no one ever has and show me that i am worth reading even more so than my conceited self believes i am. see how is that for starting to get comfortable, i will slowly open up. I really am interesting and deranged i want to be able to share these thoughts with someone and i cannot do that in real life. I would truly be even more shunned than i already am, the only thing that allows me to be even the slightest bit my true mad self is my beauty and my charm. if i didn't look the way i do i would never be able to explore my own personality.

     so i suppose this will be how i will continue on my blog i am going to start posting whatever i wish i could say and whatever feels natural to type. i will learn to get comfortable with you and let you get to know me in a way no one ever has and i will forever be in debt to you for that. You will be my ultimate confidant and the friend ive never had but will search for forever. 

    I feel slightly better now.

    



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